Erection

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....


On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 35 times a day!!'

Visited by the doctor

On unlocking the gate and entering the fishery, with ground frost crunching beneath my feet, the day had been forecast to be 18C at its warmest and as I trudged my way along the footpath and through the trees I was still pondering as to where to park my bum to wet a line. I'd already decided to walk past the first lake and on to the second as it's a little more secluded and intimate with trees and rushes separating almost every swim. The quality and quantity of the fishing is a little unknown to me and only snippets can be found on who, what and why but it all adds to the excitement of what the next bite could be. As I have said before, these two little waters are just filling the gap of the close season so anything that I do manage to catch will be bonus captures of whatever species.

Anyway, back to the "doctor". I decided to stop half way along the bank and the said swim is natural but large but plenty of open water could be covered if the need arises, to my left is a bare but quite large tree that hangs a fair way out from the bank that I am on, and on putting my gear down although I was facing the wrong way, a small splash was heard and on turning round the ripples could be seen at about thirty five to forty yards straight out  in front "that'll do me" I grunted to myself.

The plan was to blackcap feeder fish with maggot/hemp as feed and either maggot or castor as hook baits, I also had some jolly green giant and my faithful tub of pets (lobworms) with me just in case I fancied or needed a change of tact.

I took my time tackling up but every now and then I would grab the catty and pult some castor's and a few grains of corn to the front of the tree on my left, the idea was to do this and leave it for as long as possible until I could resist no longer, this was to be angled with my trusty 13ft power float rod and after taking the depth I just left it in peace until I was happy, and that something might just fancy a corn breakfast.

Three feeders of maggot and five of hemp were deposited without the rig attached, roughly on the line where the earlier splash had taken place, and soon I was sat back in the chair awaiting a sign.

It was probably fifteen minutes or so, before I had the first bit of interest. A quick jag on the tip indicated that something was after my two wriggling reds, seconds later it pulled round enough for me to think "strike", and strike I did. A small roach was led to my hand, admired and gently put back. For the next couple of hours this seemed to be the trend, as roach and the odd Rudd to around the half pound mark at best ( they were all one handed jobbies) found there way to me.

All the time I had kept on trickling, little and often to the margin tree, and after a brief cuppa complete with a sarnie and an egg of the scotched variety the decision was now made to drown a golden grain beneath a float. A cast was made just past the baited patch and pulled back into place and left to cock and settle. Just at that point three geese came into landing straight out in front of me, from then on peace had been shattered as they had decided it was "fruity time". On looking back at my float it bobbed before sitting right up and lying more or less flat on the surface, on lifting the rod I was soon met by a plodder.

A heavier,slower fish hugged along the bottom and was trying to gain the sanctuary of the tree or its branches. With pressure applied control was soon had and after a spirited fight there in the bottom of my net lay "old red eye", due to the colour of the water it did look a little pale, even in the sunlight. Not the prettiest of samples as you can see by the picture, the "doctor that needed a doctor", rot on the tail had set in.

A quick weigh, not that it mattered really, was taken and five pound twelve was the reading.

A couple of Rudd took a liking to my corn offering on the float but then the bites just dried up on me so it was back onto the feeder gear.

The pattern that followed was almost like for like with the mornings events until a different bite occurred.

I was just on the phone to the "better half" when the tip took on a solid arc and on connecting with the fish, straight away I knew it was different. A slow and steady fish was taking me basically where it liked but after a while I did manage to get to within ten yards of my bank and this is when the line fell slack! Harsh words were muttered and on swinging the feeder in I could see that my five pound hooklink had broken half way up, with the fish taking my size 16 hook. Tench or carp? who knows?

After that the swim went quiet, my arms and neck were burnt and the flask was dry and with that I packed it in and shouted to lake "I'll be back, you owe me"



Filling the gap

With the running waters now closed for the next three months for nature to hopefully do its thing (especially fill up a little), my mind is set to angle a couple of little waters that might just give me the odd pull.
Both are tree lined, secluded and look quite intimate. The coloured water should give me chance of a bite at anytime of day .
To begin with I'll just angle for bites and see what turns up, to either the float or the feeder rod. Marginal trees should hold home to a perch or maybe a tench that could fancy a juicy lobworm cocktailed with castor or maggot, while the feeder rod is intended for a full on maggot bonanza.

The not knowing really gets me excited these days, it certainly keeps the old grey matter ticking over nicely.
There could just be a nice 'stripe', 'silver' or even an old 'red eye' waiting to snaffle up one of my free offerings.
Its giving me the buzz just thinking about it so I'm off to prepare.
I'll keep you posted on my efforts.

Oh Dear

Pinched this from another site.

"Cute and cuddly my arse"

I hates Mullet

Just thought I'd add this link. Why?? Because I like it, especially the mullet clip,

I never tire of watching such dvd's that cover all aspects from the world that is Angling.

A Passion For Angling certainly takes some beating but Mr Cribbin's and Mr Bowler match up like peas and carrots......Indeed a close second.

Enjoy.

I hates mullet

Spoilt by the Wye

The day had arrived and all preparation had been ceased to the point of me not easily being able to get to sleep the night before. This was to be my first ever trip to the river Wye and was I looking forward to it?

"You bet I was".

On leaving my home town in Bedfordshire the weather forecast leading up to the trip and also during my stay in Herefordshire were excellent compared to what we'd been encountering of late so all looked good.A quick stop off in Milton Keynes was made to load Steve and his tackle and with the clock reading 5.40am we were on our way and M40 bound.By 7.45am we were pulling up outside the pub to gain some tickets and a quick cup of coffee from a miserable landlord!
Already the scenery was taking hold of me and I was soon losing myself in the setting that was to be my home for the last two days of the season.A friend of mine is a regular visitor to these parts so I'll admit now that a few pointers had been gained on where to try for my first Wye barbel (thanks Rich, I owe you one). Working in a tackle shop has its advantages too, during the week a few guys had ventured in who were Wye bound as well and had bought maggots by the gallon so all aspects were covered , also Rich and two companions had angled there the weekend leading up to my visit and had a good few fish between them, all this was giving me a right old buzz but would it be kind enough to end what has been a tough year on my homeland Ouse?

The plan of attack was to be maggot by day and swap to the pellet just before dark, 70gm feeders, 3ft of 8lb maxima as hooklinks leading to a size 14 hook with a single hair rigged imitation maggot and 3 or 4 on the hook itself. Swims were chosen and by 10am we were finally settled and angling.
The first job was to put six big feeders full of grubs out and let them sit while I tackled the rods up. With this now complete, they were soon out there and I poured a Brew from the flask, relaxed with a smoke and took in my surroundings.
Just after my first sip of tea the right hand rod pulled down and was away!! Soon enough my first Wye barbel was in the net and with a weight of 9lb 10oz I was one happy chappy.



9lb 10oz



A second cast of both rods was made and once again I didn't have to wait long and was I was soon holding fish number two of 9lb 5oz! Two casts and a pair of nines, I remember thinking to myself " this ain't right".
Just as I was resting the fish up in the margin Steve shouted me to say he'd also got one on.
After sorting both fish out and with calmness restored another coffee was poured to replace the cold offering
that was left of the first sample.

9lb 5oz

We both now had a fish under our belts, so would now take whatever was to happen? And happen it did!!

We continued to fish the maggot approach till roughly 5pm before swapping over to the pellet approach just as the light was fading in the valley.
Up to this point I had landed no fewer than fifteen barbel which included three nine's, 4 eights and the rest all dropped in between four pound and upper sevens! The term "having it away" could now be said!! Steve meanwhile chipped in with five fish to around the eight pound mark and it was soon noticeable that if I wound in for a while he would draw a few fish his way.
We both fished on the pellets until roughly 7pm with myself taking a further five fish to give me a total of twenty barbel and one rogue trout.
What a day we had had, knackered was an understatement and soon we were heading for the B&B a couple of miles back up the road, where a pint or two and a bit of grub would be devoured whilst discussing the days events.

Sleep came easy and soon we were up complete with aches and pains from a head cold and the previous days bank climbing (in the next life I'm coming back as a goat!!).
A full English and a pot of tea set us up for the day and after a quick shower we were soon heading back to the river.

We had our minds set on trying some different swims just because it would be nice to, rather than head straight back to where we were the previous day but if we failed then we could maybe use them as a plan B.
Deep down I wanted Steve to get amongst a few more, not that he was complaining, he was happy and we'd both agreed that if we could catch just a couple more then it would be a bonus.
We finally settled on a couple of swims downstream just above the next shallow run, it looked in all honesty good for a bite, but after two hours of maggot all we could show for our effort was another small trout and a salmon par which both fell to Steve's rods while I had nothing more than a couple of sharp tugs which developed into nothing.
The decision was then made to move back up river and as long as they were vacant to fish the swims from the previous day and this time Steve dropped in the going swim and I settled in above him.
It took a while to get going but soon he was away and landing a few and also dropping a couple off!

I only landed one of about seven pound and then decided to ditch the static rods and swap over to rolling some garlic meat about all to no avail but the pleasure was had.



Big eight.


Steve added a further five fish to his tally, which included a couple of upper eights and at 4pm we decided to call it a day. We were both tired and had the journey back to overcome and decided to try and get as far back towards home before the rush hour traffic took hold.
The Wye had been good to us, the trip itself was a total pleasure, 31 barbel between us but not just the fish, the scenery, surroundings and the company was second to none and we will definitely return.

The river season has now closed for another term and I for one will be having the odd go on a couple of waters in search of maybe a nice sized perch, roach or even a a tench. Whatever floats your boat in the coming 3 months whilst the flowing waters are shut then enjoy and be lucky.










The end is near



As another season draws to an end my last gasp attempt to continued a coupe of days ago, as usual I was on my home water the Gt Ouse and as I sit here writing I have to hold my hands up and say that it was the worst and most uncomfortable days angling I have encountered in a long time.

All of my usual haunts were tried and to be fair the flowing water did not look to bad for a bite off something, whether it be a chub or better still a barbel.

I hung on in dire conditions, got blown to pieces, soaked through and did not really enjoy what was planned to be my last trip to the Ouse for the season.

The day went from this

To this (twice)

To this

And on a brighter note as the last picture shows, the last couple of days have been booked for my first ever trip to the river Wye in attempt of getting a bend in the rod before the flowing stuff shuts its doors for the season.

Right, I'm off to sort some bait and feeders out, I'll let you know how I get on (good,bad or otherwise).

Wishing all  that follow, a lucky last few days.